Warning – this blog touches core truths.
It does not assign blame, but it is deep. That’s how I roll.
I also can tell you that I only know this stuff because through my spiritual awakening I have had many spiritual and psychic experiences that meant I had to take a long hard look at myself.
It is the hardest and the most empowering work I have ever done.
Back on topic; relationships!
It seems that many people have been experiencing challenges regarding relationships of late.
This might be with romantic partnerships, business partners, colleagues, family dynamics or friendships to name a few.
The key ingredient in all relationships is…RESPECT.
As people, we have had many experiences that have shaped our view of love and relationships.
Our earliest impressions date back to our parents or guardians as we grew up; what their relationships were like with each other and indeed, themselves.
We really can’t blame other people, well you can…but in the long-term it makes us a victim.
To be fair, it’s important to feel our emotions including the blame and resentment, but we don’t want to live there. It’s a painful existence.
Life is so much better when we can take responsibility for ourselves, which begins with our emotions and feelings.
I won’t go into this now, but there are way BIGGER reasons beyond our parents that have influenced who we are in this lifetime!
For some people, including some of my clients, it is going to that deeper level that is the only thing that sets them free.
Why? Because this is the level of wisdom, they were meant to discover in this lifetime to awaken and live their best life.
OK, so I won’t go there now though, let’s stay focused!
Most people operate patterns of behaviour and these are most seen when in relationship to others.
You will know what they are if you have lived long enough to have several relationships!
If you take the time to reflect and look back, you can see the dynamics that have played out, and we need to experience it to have any chance of understanding it, so no experience is a wasted one.
The more non-judgemental you can be with this, the more powerful the realisations.
We love to protect ourselves from the truth, but we are not really protecting ourselves.
When we can look at the truth without judging ourselves for it, we then open a whole new beautiful experience of learning.
There is no shame in having what we might deem ‘negative’ or ‘bad’ relationships.
In fact, it’s where the greatest personal development and growth can come from.
You could even get to the stage (usually with hindsight) where you can be grateful for it. That’s a higher level of consciousness.
We need situations and people to essentially reflect back to us how we need to develop in this life.
They are like a mirror.
But if we stay stuck in the ego and ‘right and wrong’ and ‘black and white’ we stay limited and so we miss the deeper points.
We must be able to see it through a non-judgemental lens.
After all, on some level, are we attracting the people we bring into our lives..?
This concept has many nuances. I never say that something is the same for everyone’s experience. It’s not that black and white.
BUT, if you could play with this idea for a while, I think you will find, it’s worth it.
Because when we take responsibility for ourselves and our subconscious, we put ourselves into a position to reclaim our power and transform.
Write it off as a crazy idea by all means, the choice is yours.
However, what you might find, is that the same pattern plays out again and again in different ways and situations.
The past will predict our future unless it is brought into full consciousness and understanding.
So, let’s get back onto the tricky and often very painful relationship issues, depending on the amount of emotional investment.
Let me remind everyone that there is no shame in having relationship issues.
It is often some of the most helpful experiences we can ever have.
It presents the beautiful and transformational opportunity to heal and change.
Some relationships are meant to improve and flourish from this experience.
Others are very much meant to be ended.
Some feel so deeply strong to us and at times we wonder how it is possible to feel this much pain.
There is a deeper truth to this also. It is karmic.
It’s not just about the relationship, it’s about breaking a pattern, the habit of a lifetime, one that may be ancestral (check out the patterns in your mother and father line) and actually lifetimeS!
Again, I won’t go into this one just now! It’s a whole other conversation.
You may have had a recent experience with someone that reminds you of a previous situation you found yourself in.
This time however, you have grown and learned and so you have a fuller understanding of it.
You are able to prevent it from going on for longer than it needs to, and you can handle it with truth, love and grace.
Sometimes, that means standing in your power and doing what you find really hard to do! Conflict!
See it as a marker in your personal development and acknowledge your progress.
This is the way of the universe, showing you how far you have come, what needs to change etc.
None of it is a punishment! Ever!
None of it is designed to break your heart.
In fact, a crack in the heart is designed to let light in. That is healing.
An open heart without fear of being rejected or hurt, is a truly phenomenal and powerful thing.
So, let’s learn a bit more about patterns of manipulation, control and seduction.
Please remember that this also brings no judgement of the other person.
There is a magnetic match between the people we are engaged with, so there is a lesson for everyone involved, it is never one sided.
However, it might be that there is more learning for one to do than the other, but let’s not feel superior or inferior about that, otherwise there’s even more work to do!
Let’s remember that everyone is doing the best with what they have. Our level of consciousness or awareness will dictate how much we can learn from interactions.
This does not mean we lower our standards for that behaviour however, but we can have compassion and discernment. That’s the key!
We can be both loving and stand in our truth at the same time, this is grace.
With all the fore mentioned forms of manipulation, it stems from a deep-rooted insecurity within that person, at a subconscious level, a fear that they will not be loved just for being who they are.
You can of course look at the flip side of this, because the same thing exists within the people pleaser, the perfectionist and the workaholic.
The belief that they are ‘not enough’.
Indeed the empath and the narcissist are simply two sides of the same coin; low self-worth with polar expressions.
Check out links to other related blogs at the end of this one.
It is something that so many people struggle with on some level.
A deep-rooted insecurity that they won’t be loved for who they really are.
This leads to all sorts of game playing and tactics, withholding, supressing, denying and confusion!
It is way more common that we might like to think, it’s also not our fault. We are here to learn.
Everyone has the potential to grow from these patterns and transform.
In hardened cases though, it is extremely difficult for someone to truly see themselves, because there is so much shame wrapped up in it.
Their self-esteem system is so low, they cannot handle the truth.
The truth can be a bitter pill to swallow for all of us, but if we don’t do this work, then the poison lives inside us and seeps into our relationships.
There is a little boy or girl inside every single one of us who has likely, at some point has felt unloved or rejected.
When we don’t believe people will love or like us for who we really are, then we act in way that we think will either please or force people into doing so.
Both are forms of manipulation. Neither will benefit from our judgement…that’s just more unloving!
Some will morph themselves into a version of who they think they are supposed to be or the role they are meant to play, to gain the approval and love they desire.
In some cases, they lose their sense of identity.
Some are so unaware of themselves and the patterns they run, that they genuinely believe their own story.
This is why it can be hard to spot them. They actually do believe their own lies.
Some will resort to bully tactics and become aggressive (which is another form of defensiveness) and attack to get what they want.
This comes from supressed anger.
It is their way of feeling powerful, really they are trying to protect the inner child from hurt.
The child they didn’t have the ability to protect at the time. The pain they have never expressed.
They are afraid of showing true vulnerability because they have deemed it as a weakness.
When in fact, vulnerability is the greatest display of true strength.
Inflating themselves gives them a false sense of power and superiority, frequently at the cost of other people’s feelings.
Let’s talk about control and when it becomes toxic.
It stems from a distinct lack of trust within and without – lack of trust in themselves, others and/or the universe at large.
A lack of faith that life is designed to help us. That we are not alone.
That we can have and are worthy of having a prosperous life with loving relationships.
In fact, all this is happening to help us get there! We just need to be able to see it through a new set of eyes!
Control can also be a power dynamic.
One that is often never spoken about by the way, it is unspoken, but don’t let this fool you into thinking there isn’t an energetic contract that exists between you.
To have this power dynamic in place in a relationship, one of you must agree (silently / subconsciously) that you are willing to be controlled in some way and ideally (hint of sarcasm there!) that it will not be discussed.
A common ingredient in this dynamic is guilt.
If you feel guilty regularly without due reason, then unfortunately you will find that you are the subject of blame and manipulation.
You will resort to making decisions from a lack of integrity and doing things you don’t really want to do, just to alleviate that horrible feeling.
It’s a hard truth but that’s how it works. It’s not your fault either!
There is nothing wrong with you!
If you recognise this, you are likely a sensitive, beautiful person who now has the greatest opportunity to transform yourself.
We cannot live fully from a place of fear. Irregular guilt is fear, it triggers anxiety and it has the same effects of prolonged stress.
It’s likely your counterpart has shut down their emotions so much through shame and denial, that they don’t feel guilt in the way it should be felt (guilt is a very helpful emotion when it is not malfunctioning).
They can’t own it, so they will project it…onto the nearest target…which might be you!
One way we can quickly find out the truth about people is when we don’t give them what they want.
Now, onto seduction!
There’s nothing wrong with healthy seduction between consenting adults of course, it can be a wonderful thing to be enjoyed that enhances relationships.
However, those who operate with this method of engagement in a covert manner, is again a product of pain and inadequacy.
Again, let’s not judge, we all have work to do! Awareness is an awesome step!!
Archetypes (patterns of our psyche/ behaviour) connected to seduction (the manipulative kind) include the Siren, the Vampire and the Prostitute (the latter one is said to exist at some level in all of us).
The Siren needs to be admired and lusted after for their beauty and looks. They don’t believe they can be loved for who they are (constant theme here for humanity)!
They feel their looks (or body) are their only currency. They trade with it.
They are validated based on their outward appearance, which is fragile of course because it can and will change!
It is also a message that has permeated our western society for decades unfortunately, especially for women, through marketing and media.
The value is placed on good looks (often manipulated and artificial), on youth, celebrity and materialism over health and true wellness with a large dose of disrespect and fear for ageing.
The most dangerous variety of the siren can be hypnotic, like a drug, as if they have you under some kind of spell.
They are a drug, they are not offering reality, they are offering a fantasy. It’s where they survive.
They identify their prey, and they will take you for everything they can, until you stop, and sometimes, the lesson is a hard one, but trust it is your point of awakening.
You can turn your life around to recover from this sort of experience and it will make you stronger. Please don’t do it on your own.
Sometimes we have hard experiences that open us up to the love and support of others. Again, this is for our highest good.
That person who has taken, must live with their actions and themselves!
Even if they look like they are flourishing, they live in fear, they are in pain because having poison in your system makes you sick.
Again, they may awaken and if they do, they will need to learn forgiveness, as will you, when the time is right.
Let’s flip to an archetype of a similar nature…the Lothario or Womaniser.
This can indeed be one of the toxic masks of masculinity.
A badge of honour. A reason to feel like a man. A way to gain perceived respect from peers and to be popular.
When it continues into late adulthood, it is usually a symptom of a fear of emotional intimacy, deeper connection and commitment.
They find themselves in relationships that are not sustainable and only based on sexuality.
In both the Siren and the Lethario archetype, they are often entangled with people in existing relationships, because they desire the attention and fantasy rather than the reality of commitment.
Sometimes, they want to take what other people have, because they get a quick hit of superiority and achievement. They don’t believe there is enough love for everyone, in their mind, it is a scarce commodity.
It is likely they have other addictions.
Let’s also remember, it takes two to tango! There are lessons to be learned and to grow from.
Now onto the vampire. I am not a lover of labels but it does help to craft a point.
This archetype will take you for everything you are willing to give them; your life blood!
They will plug into your energy supplies and drain the light out of you, because they haven’t learned to find their own yet and incidentally, you need to learn how to stop being a blood donor.
Initially you may feel good in their company, they often have some sort of charm to begin with. But, it’s superficial.
And after a while, you will feel it! You may begin to feel tired or even exhausted after being in their company.
Now onto the prostitute, think in terms of energy rather than an actual prostitute who is actually open and honest about what they offer!
This archetype is present when we don’t believe that we can have what we desire without compromising ourselves in some way.
It is in action when we remain in a situation that is not serving us (this could be a job or relationship etc) or are even toxic, because there is a fear or moving or change from where we deem our security to be.
Or it means we are adverse to dealing with conflict and potentially hard conversations.
Again, this is not wrong. It’s all learning and it doesn’t need to be changed overnight, sometimes, we are just not ready for that and that’s still OK!
This archetype is present when we negate our own needs and desires.
This happens when we live from the head instead of the heart, from the thinking place instead of a feeling place.
From a place of what others want or expect and what we think we ‘should’ be wanting for ourselves rather than what we truly desire.
Everyone just wants to be loved deep down and we can be. It is an inner and an outer game.
I know from my spiritual experiences that we are all loved more deeply and profoundly than we can know.
In fact, we are love, we come from love and it is hidden within us.
This is where I believe that emotional and spiritual intelligence can heal the world.
If people really loved themselves and knew how to do this (because most of us haven’t been taught) then this would change the world for the better!
Relationships are our greatest opportunity for growth.
They reflect our potential for growth. They show us how far we have come.
What we have not yet integrated for ourselves, we will project outside of ourselves.
What we are looking to find within, is so often what we seek in another.
This kind of inner work will be the greatest work of your lifetime.
Having these realisations can change the trajectory of your life, because each time we break a limiting pattern, we are another step closer to destiny and our hearts desires.
When we can see the truth of ourselves and we can choose to love all parts, regardless of how messy and imperfect they may be, that is true, pure, unconditional love.
If you would like transformational support on your journey, I do not judge, I will hold a compassionate and safe space for you and rest assured, it will change your life for the better.
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